I know – it's strange for a blog to debate its own existence, especially in its very first post. Still, hear me out. I promise I can explain.
I'm going to begin with why this blog even exists in the first place. After all, aren't we past the era of long-drawn text posts? Isn't it all just 30-second Tik Toks and vibey Instagram posts these days?
Yes. But also no. But also, I don't really give a fuck.
I've wanted to have my own blog for ages; it's partly because I'm a little full of myself and believe that I have thoughts and opinions and a life worth talking about, but also because there is literally nothing in the world that brings me as much joy as writing. The form doesn't even matter, although I have recently lost my flair for the fictional (probably because the real world has enough to be bothered about, no fictional world is enough to erase this mess).
I just really like writing.
Something about the traversal of thoughts and ideas from the abstract mess of my brain to the rigid structure of language and a keyboard is just incomparable. Its borderline euphoric (actually, maybe not, but you get the idea).
So, that's why this blog exists. I've had this domain name for a while and I put up a poll on my Instagram some time back asking people if they'd prefer an ugly newsletter or a sleek blog to consume written content, and to my surprise (but also to my preference), the blog won out. Thus, this post. And you, reading it.
So then why the title, Esha? Why the fuck would you question it if you've wanted to do it for so long?
Well. The timing feels... unfortunate.
I've intended to start this blog during this time frame for the last 6-7 months. It took so long only because I was battling with myself about whether or not I should publicly embarrass myself by pretending I have things to say that people would be care about. My eventual conclusion was that I'm not really doing this for people, I'm doing it for myself, and that should be enough (right?). So the foundation has always been in place.
It just sucks that the timing coincides with the deadliest wave of COVID-19 currently ravaging this country.
I'm literally sitting in my room writing this post on my laptop while sharing COVID resources, quite honestly the safest anyone could be right now, while millions of people across this country are either sick, dying, dead, or trying to find a way out of the destitution in which this pandemic (and government) has put them.
It's not like I'm doing any life-saving work by creating this blog. This website is literally something I created for myself, making it quite insignificant in the large scheme of things. Even the server space this is occupying is borderline negligible. So why bother?
I'll be honest: I have a confused relationship with empathy, and that leads to odd coping mechanisms. I've been out of my mind the past few weeks with everything going on in this country right now; the emotional overload has been incredulous. My coping mechanisms default to practicality and work: what can I substantively do to help?
Share resources? Talk to people going through a tough time? Follow up on leads for people? All done/in progress.
Then what? Work? My job is pretty stable and I like the work I do, so that's good. But is it enough to keep me from agonizing? No.
Thus, this blog.
It's like a public diary your therapist can read but isn't allowed to acknowledge, and people who may or may not like you can read and judge, but you're okay with it.
I'm justifying it to myself by thinking that I don't actively need to put my life and plans on hold if I have the ability to follow through. It's easy to succumb to second-hand grief and despair, and I'm trying to make sure I have a cord to pull me out of that pit should I slip and fall inside.
I can't tell you what to expect. Frankly, I don't know what to expect myself. There's a lot I still need to figure out in terms of what I'm okay with sharing permanently on this website, which is far more personal than any Instagram profile or Twitter thread could ever be. I don't intend on making this some kind of Substack newsletter where I pretend to be an expert on some really niche topic even though I'm really not.
This is supposed to be more... traditional. Like the OG version of a blog, where it's literally just whatever. My posts could be literally anything: political rants, cultural critique, stupid life documentation, or just like... words. by me. ha.
Ultimately, this blog is supposed to be a repository of my life; something I will look back on and read and probably cringe at but also smile because I finally did the thing I always wanted to do.